This path towards unbelief has had many ups and downs.  On the good days, I appreciate that this struggle has forced me to research things I most likely would not have done willingly.  It has caused me to seriously reflect on my beliefs.  On the bad days, I am sick of this struggle and want to just give up on searching.  Luckily my bad days have so far been followed by a renewed strength to keep working on this.

Over these past 3 years my unbelief has affected relationships–some for the worse, but most for the better.  Many of my relationships have grown deeper and stronger.  I believe it is because we are now dealing with painful struggles and tough questions. Superficial niceties were replaced with deep questions and challenges, or a supportive embrace.

The bad part of relationships is that I often feel dishonest.  I still regularly attend church and interact with Christians, however, I struggle with knowing who I should tell of my unbelief.  I don’t really want to tell everyone my business, but I also don’t like putting on a show.   Attending church causes other mixed feelings.  On the one hand I feel like a black sheep, a stranger in a strange land, but on the other hand, it is one of the few things that is giving me strength to keep searching.

Another issue that is increasingly troubling me is how this will affect my kids.  On the one hand I am committed to raising my kids with Christian beliefs, but at some point, when they are mature enough to understand, I need to be honest with them too.  I am becoming anxious just thinking about all the implications.

Well here’s hoping for a better and more successful year in this struggle.