Christian Doubt » Emotion

Doubting Christianity

Mark Lefers — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 06:11:11 +0000

It has now been about 3 years that I have seriously doubted Christianity, and a more accurate term maybe unbelief (I’m still not comfortable about specifically labeling myself). During this past year, my hope in regaining my Christian faith is slowly but steadily disappearing. I have delved into researching the resurrection, and left with the conclusion that there are just too many missing pieces to make belief in a supernatural entity possible. I then started delving into the arguments for the existence of God, and I’ve found these to be even less convincing. This next year I will be looking more into the details of the resurrection. Specifically the details of Jesus’ death and also look into the Shroud of Turin. I hope this isn’t risky and cause me further doubt. As always I’m open to suggestions.

This path towards unbelief has had many ups and downs. On the good days, I appreciate that this struggle has forced me to research things I most likely would not have done willingly. It has caused me to seriously reflect on my beliefs. On the bad days, I am sick of this struggle and want to just give up on searching. Luckily my bad days have so far been followed by a renewed strength to keep working on this.

Over these past 3 years my unbelief has affected relationships–some for the worse, but most for the better. Many of my relationships have grown deeper and stronger. I believe it is because we are now dealing with painful struggles and tough questions. Superficial niceties were replaced with deep questions and challenges, or a supportive embrace.

The bad part of relationships is that I often feel dishonest. I still regularly attend church and interact with Christians, however, I struggle with knowing who I should tell of my unbelief. I don’t really want to tell everyone my business, but I also don’t like putting on a show. Attending church causes other mixed feelings. On the one hand I feel like a black sheep, a stranger in a strange land, but on the other hand, it is one of the few things that is giving me strength to keep searching.

Another issue that is increasingly troubling me is how this will affect my kids. On the one hand I am committed to raising my kids with Christian beliefs, but at some point, when they are mature enough to understand, I need to be honest with them too. I am becoming anxious just thinking about all the implications.

Well here’s hoping for a better and more successful year in this struggle.

My Strongest Support

Mark Lefers — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 13:10:48 +0000

I understand that many are hesitant to discuss their doubts with others. I personally just recently told my parents about my doubt/unbelief, which I’ll write about later. Sometimes it is easier to talk to some stranger about these personal thoughts than someone that you grew up with, or live with. Relationships can become strained and made more complicated, or worse broken. Sometimes the fear of this change can cause people to not share with those who they are closest to. However, I think this can cause more harm than good.

The first person who I shared my doubts with, and the person who has been my strongest support, has been my wife. Even though she is a Christian and I am in unbelief, I don’t consider ourselves unequally yoked. We are still yoked together and are working together to find our way through this life. That is what a marriage is about, working together through the tough times.

It has been a blessing that we like different things. I get into science and theology and my wife is into managing the house (7 kids), finances, and most recently taxes. We have our own areas that we find interesting and devote our energies to. Sure, I sometimes get frustrated that she doesn’t struggle with the problem of evil or the lack of supernatural evidence. But these things just aren’t her “thing”, just like finance and taxes aren’t my “thing”.

This doesn’t mean I don’t tell her what I’m struggling with. It just means that instead of her challenging my beliefs and getting into theological debates, she gives me a shoulder to cry on and arms to hold me. She listens compassionately to my troubles and loves me in spite of my unbelief. So in practice, I have my theological discussions with others in my church or online, and at the end of the day I come home and find rest in the loving arms of my wife that gives me strength through this all.

Why I didn’t have an Easter post

Mark Lefers — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 03:35:06 +0000

Last year, Easter was pretty depressing. For those who aren’t struggling with doubt/unbelief it might be hard to understand. But take a walk in a doubter’s shoes. The faith one once took for granted is gone. The faith that made sense of the world is gone. The faith that gave hope to a better future is gone. The faith that gave you joy and freedom is gone. Now sadly walk into the most joyful of holy days. A day that every Christian is joyfully singing praise for the grace and faith they have. A day that is focused on Christ rising from the dead. A day full of promises of a future resurrection for those who believe. A day a Christian doubter can not ignore.

Easter becomes the magnifying glass that focuses the sunlight on my soul. It starts off as a warm uncomfortable sensation that makes me realize how different I am from my Christian friends and family. It turns into a burning desire to resolve this doubt I have; a desire to “just believe”. It then scorches me toward bitterness and depressing thoughts that I’m in this mess of unbelief with no hope in sight. And finally what’s left is a chard crusty shell of what I used to be.

So yeah, this Easter, I didn’t want to think about it too much. I didn’t want to dwell on my unbelief. I didn’t want to write down what I truly was feeling. I just wanted to ignore it for a day and eat some candy.

But. . . luckily for me I came down with an awful cold this past weekend, and other family members came down with the stomach flu. So the typical family get together was canceled which allowed me to have more “free time” in which to read. And the reading was good, and it helped clarify some questions I had and made some good points (which I’ll share when I actually finish the book). So this Easter was better than last, not good, but not bad.

Shutting down in anger

Mark Lefers — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 13:19:56 +0000

I wonder if I learn more from my kids then they learn from me. As I was contemplating an anger issue we’re having with one of our kids, I started wonder how similar I maybe acting. When one of my kids gets into a tantrum it is almost impossible to communicate with them, they shut down and are consumed by the rage. While they are having their temper tantrum, I’ve found it is best just to sit by and wait till they are done. Only after they have calmed down and are ready to listen can I talk to them.

Granted, I’m not physically jumping up and down and yelling, but the mental fits I have may not be all that different. I’m angry that I’m stuck in this doubt without any real progress in the past 2 years. I’m bitter that I have to give up fun activities to read a dry history/theology book. I’m jealous that others have faith so easily. I’m angry that I can’t just fix this on my own, and that I can’t just believe. I’m upset that I was born with a scientific and critical mind. I often ask myself, “Why me?” Some days I do feel like yelling into my pillow as my kids do.

Maybe my bitterness and anger has caused me to shut down so that I can no longer hear my Father in heaven. Maybe God is just waiting till I calm down. Maybe he’s sitting by my bed side waiting till I catch my breath and stop yelling. Maybe he’s waiting till I’m quiet and ready to listen so that he can talk to me.