Having a newborn in the house has taken much of my “free” time. However, with the late night or early morning feedings I have had an opportunity to watch more TV. The other day I watched the movie Evan Almighty, which is kind of the sequel to Bruce Almighty. The movie is about a guy named Evan (played by Steve Carrell) who has been visited by God (Morgan Freeman) and told to build an ark, just like in the story about Noah in the Bible. This movie has a lot of great quotes and scenes. One of my favorites is below. In this scene Evan’s wife, Joan (Lauren Graham), and kids think he’s gone crazy, so they’ve left him to stay with Joan’s parents. While on the road they stop at a diner to eat. They’re already on the road, and they’re stopping to eat at a diner. Here Joan meets God but doesn’t realize who she’s talking to. God encourages Joan and gives her some insight on life and prayer.
In my struggle with losing my Christian beliefs I wonder if in my prayers for faith, God chooses not to just give me faith, but gives me the opportunities to learn more so that I will have a reason to believe and to not just have a blind faith. Wouldn’t this actually be the BEST answer to my prayers? Unfortunately, my limited ability to see in the future makes this struggle hard and uncertain. But little clips like these gives me encouragement.
Evolving in Monkey Town by Rachel Held Evans is a wonderful a story of survival from certainty, through doubt, to faith. Rachel’s story is about how her beliefs have evolved over time. Rachel started in an unquestioning fundamentalist environment where her faith was not challenged, and where she thought she had all the answers. Her faith then started to crumble when seriously confronted with questions about hell, and was she a Christian only because of where and when she was born. These led to more questions and more doubt. As Rachel was exposed to the environment outside of Christian fundamentalism, she was confronted with the choice of changing her mind on certain beliefs or face losing her faith. She decided to compromise, by letting go of some of her long held beliefs and embraced uncertainty.
As someone who has gone through doubt and is now an unbeliever, Rachel captures the struggle of the doubter. In one moment Rachel is questioning a loving God who sends people to hell for eternity, and then a moment later she is clinging fast to a God that loves her. I could feel the tension and the pain of her struggles. It was also comforting to know that I am not alone in my doubt.
The book is a quick and easy read with very enjoyable stories of different people who have influenced her life’s path. The stories make it personal, while also giving a glimpse of the rich variety of different beliefs and experiences. Rachel is an excellent writer and I found myself highlighting many sections in her book.
I would recommend this book to anyone who feels trapped in Christian fundamentalism. Rachel gives an example of a healthy alternative to the absolutes that are often found in Christianity today. I would not recommend this book to someone who is looking for answers. This book is about asking questions, and living out your faith in spite of the uncertainties.
Rachel also has an excellent blog that I would recommend too.
This song just spoke to me, and captured some of my feelings today.
My life has led me down the road that’s so uncertain
And now I am left alone and I am broken,
Tryin’ to find my way, tryin’ to find the faith that’s gone
This time, I know that you are holding all the answers
I’m tired of losing hope and taking chances,
On roads that never seem,
To be the ones that bring me home
Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I’ve been tryin’ to find my way,
I haven’t got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without You
My life has led me down this path that’s ever winding
Through every twist and turn I’m always finding,
That I am lost again (I am lost again)
Tell me when this road will ever end
Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I’ve been tryin’ to find my way,
I haven’t got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without
I don’t know where I can turn
Tell me when will I learn
Won’t You show me where I need to go
Oh oh
Let me follow Your lead,
I know that it’s the only way that I can get back home
Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I’ve been trying to find my way,
I haven’t got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without You
Oh, give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without You
Some doubt Christianity because of its strict moral law. However, recently I have noticed how fluid that moral law can be. For instance there seems to be an increase in Christians who are becoming more comfortable with homosexuality. I never thought that something that was once a black and white issue could in such a short time be something perfectly acceptable. Granted mainstream Christianity still condemns homosexuality, but it just makes me ponder about how quickly religious thoughts can change on a subject. So for me the strict moral law isn’t a cause of doubt. For me its more how quickly religion can evolve and change over time and how tied religious thought is to the culture of the day. Makes me wonder what was going on during Jesus’ time.
Here are some things I ran across that started this mental meandering:
Singing this song in church the other day and found myself singing “All I want is Christ” during the chorus. Below are the lyrics to the whole song by Jordan Kauflin.
I once was lost in darkest night
Yet thought I knew the way
The sin that promised joy and life
Had led me to the grave
I had no hope that You would own
A rebel to Your will
And if You had not loved me first
I would refuse You still
But as I ran my hell-bound race
Indifferent to the cost
You looked upon my helpless state
And led me to the cross
And I beheld God’s love displayed
You suffered in my place
You bore the wrath reserved for me
Now all I know is grace
Hallelujah! All I have is Christ
Hallelujah! Jesus is my life
Now, Lord, I would be Yours alone
And live so all might see
The strength to follow Your commands
Could never come from me
Oh Father, use my ransomed life
In any way You choose
And let my song forever be
My only boast is You
It has now been about 3 years that I have seriously doubted Christianity, and a more accurate term maybe unbelief (I’m still not comfortable about specifically labeling myself). During this past year, my hope in regaining my Christian faith is slowly but steadily disappearing. I have delved into researching the resurrection, and left with the conclusion that there are just too many missing pieces to make belief in a supernatural entity possible. I then started delving into the arguments for the existence of God, and I’ve found these to be even less convincing. This next year I will be looking more into the details of the resurrection. Specifically the details of Jesus’ death and also look into the Shroud of Turin. I hope this isn’t risky and cause me further doubt. As always I’m open to suggestions.
This path towards unbelief has had many ups and downs. On the good days, I appreciate that this struggle has forced me to research things I most likely would not have done willingly. It has caused me to seriously reflect on my beliefs. On the bad days, I am sick of this struggle and want to just give up on searching. Luckily my bad days have so far been followed by a renewed strength to keep working on this.
Over these past 3 years my unbelief has affected relationships–some for the worse, but most for the better. Many of my relationships have grown deeper and stronger. I believe it is because we are now dealing with painful struggles and tough questions. Superficial niceties were replaced with deep questions and challenges, or a supportive embrace.
The bad part of relationships is that I often feel dishonest. I still regularly attend church and interact with Christians, however, I struggle with knowing who I should tell of my unbelief. I don’t really want to tell everyone my business, but I also don’t like putting on a show. Attending church causes other mixed feelings. On the one hand I feel like a black sheep, a stranger in a strange land, but on the other hand, it is one of the few things that is giving me strength to keep searching.
Another issue that is increasingly troubling me is how this will affect my kids. On the one hand I am committed to raising my kids with Christian beliefs, but at some point, when they are mature enough to understand, I need to be honest with them too. I am becoming anxious just thinking about all the implications.
Well here’s hoping for a better and more successful year in this struggle.
I understand that many are hesitant to discuss their doubts with others. I personally just recently told my parents about my doubt/unbelief, which I’ll write about later. Sometimes it is easier to talk to some stranger about these personal thoughts than someone that you grew up with, or live with. Relationships can become strained and made more complicated, or worse broken. Sometimes the fear of this change can cause people to not share with those who they are closest to. However, I think this can cause more harm than good.
The first person who I shared my doubts with, and the person who has been my strongest support, has been my wife. Even though she is a Christian and I am in unbelief, I don’t consider ourselves unequally yoked. We are still yoked together and are working together to find our way through this life. That is what a marriage is about, working together through the tough times.
It has been a blessing that we like different things. I get into science and theology and my wife is into managing the house (7 kids), finances, and most recently taxes. We have our own areas that we find interesting and devote our energies to. Sure, I sometimes get frustrated that she doesn’t struggle with the problem of evil or the lack of supernatural evidence. But these things just aren’t her “thing”, just like finance and taxes aren’t my “thing”.
This doesn’t mean I don’t tell her what I’m struggling with. It just means that instead of her challenging my beliefs and getting into theological debates, she gives me a shoulder to cry on and arms to hold me. She listens compassionately to my troubles and loves me in spite of my unbelief. So in practice, I have my theological discussions with others in my church or online, and at the end of the day I come home and find rest in the loving arms of my wife that gives me strength through this all.
In church today I enjoyed singing a version of “We Are Listening“. Here are some of the lyrics:
Father, I long to be wise,
To see with new eyes
The truth that was written by Your hand
Father, speak
Your truth into me
Because I still believe
That You will help me understand
The lyrics just spoke to me in my quest to find the truth about Christianity. Today I felt a bit hopeful. I’m still a long ways off from anything close to what I’d consider a belief in God. But today I just felt a little bit less depressed about my unbelief.
It being Sunday, I thought I’d recommend a sermon on doubt by Dominic Smart. This sermon is on three main forms of doubt that Christians go through. I’ve gone through all three forms and am currently in the third form of doubt–a refusal to accept God. A willful choice to believe in science and my own understanding over the Word of God.
Most atheists don’t give a rat’s ass about religion as it’s practiced by a handful of theologians. We care about religion as it’s widely practiced in the real world. And that includes many versions of religion that are outdated, simplistic, stupid and ugly … and richly deserving of criticism. — Greta Christina
