Christian Doubt

I just love these songs. Not that science wasn’t already cool, They Might Be Giants just adds to it.

Ok, I admit, I’m a nerd.

It has now been about 3 years that I have seriously doubted Christianity, and a more accurate term maybe unbelief (I’m still not comfortable about specifically labeling myself).  During this past year, my hope in regaining my Christian faith is slowly but steadily disappearing. I have delved into researching the resurrection, and left with the conclusion that there are just too many missing pieces to make belief in a supernatural entity possible.  I then started delving into the arguments for the existence of God, and I’ve found these to be even less convincing.  This next year I will be looking more into the details of the resurrection.  Specifically the details of Jesus’ death and also look into the Shroud of Turin.  I hope this isn’t risky and cause me further doubt.  As always I’m open to suggestions.

This path towards unbelief has had many ups and downs.  On the good days, I appreciate that this struggle has forced me to research things I most likely would not have done willingly.  It has caused me to seriously reflect on my beliefs.  On the bad days, I am sick of this struggle and want to just give up on searching.  Luckily my bad days have so far been followed by a renewed strength to keep working on this.

Over these past 3 years my unbelief has affected relationships–some for the worse, but most for the better.  Many of my relationships have grown deeper and stronger.  I believe it is because we are now dealing with painful struggles and tough questions. Superficial niceties were replaced with deep questions and challenges, or a supportive embrace.

The bad part of relationships is that I often feel dishonest.  I still regularly attend church and interact with Christians, however, I struggle with knowing who I should tell of my unbelief.  I don’t really want to tell everyone my business, but I also don’t like putting on a show.   Attending church causes other mixed feelings.  On the one hand I feel like a black sheep, a stranger in a strange land, but on the other hand, it is one of the few things that is giving me strength to keep searching.

Another issue that is increasingly troubling me is how this will affect my kids.  On the one hand I am committed to raising my kids with Christian beliefs, but at some point, when they are mature enough to understand, I need to be honest with them too.  I am becoming anxious just thinking about all the implications.

Well here’s hoping for a better and more successful year in this struggle.

I understand that many are hesitant to discuss their doubts with others.  I personally just recently told my parents about my doubt/unbelief, which I’ll write about later. Sometimes it is easier to talk to some stranger about these personal thoughts than someone that you grew up with, or live with.  Relationships can become strained and made more complicated, or worse broken.  Sometimes the fear of this change can cause people to not share with those who they are closest to.  However, I think this can cause more harm than good.
 
The first person who I shared my doubts with, and the person who has been my strongest support, has been my wife.  Even though she is a Christian and I am in unbelief, I don’t consider ourselves unequally yoked.  We are still yoked together and are working together to find our way through this life.  That is what a marriage is about, working together through the tough times. 
 
It has been a blessing that we like different things.  I get into science and theology and my wife is into managing the house (7 kids), finances, and most recently taxes.  We have our own areas that we find interesting and devote our energies to.  Sure, I sometimes get frustrated that she doesn’t struggle with the problem of evil or the lack of supernatural evidence.  But these things just aren’t her “thing”, just like finance and taxes aren’t my “thing”.
 
This doesn’t mean I don’t tell her what I’m struggling with.  It just means that instead of her challenging my beliefs and getting into theological debates, she gives me a shoulder to cry on and arms to hold me.  She listens compassionately to my troubles and loves me in spite of my unbelief.  So in practice, I have my theological discussions with others in my church or online, and at the end of the day I come home and find rest in the loving arms of my wife that gives me strength through this all.

In church today I enjoyed singing a version of  “We Are Listening“. Here are some of the lyrics:

Father, I long to be wise,
To see with new eyes
The truth that was written by Your hand
Father, speak
Your truth into me
Because I still believe
That You will help me understand

The lyrics just spoke to me in my quest to find the truth about Christianity. Today I felt a bit hopeful. I’m still a long ways off from anything close to what I’d consider a belief in God. But today I just felt a little bit less depressed about my unbelief.

- Download the song here.

It being Sunday, I thought I’d recommend a sermon on doubt by Dominic Smart. This sermon is on three main forms of doubt that Christians go through.  I’ve gone through all three forms and am currently in the third form of doubt–a refusal to accept God.  A willful choice to believe in science and my own understanding over the Word of God.

Maybe I’m biased. Maybe I prefer science over blind faith. Maybe I don’t get my information from right wing radio and cable host. Maybe I trust the scientific consensus too much. But this whole “scandal” on anthropogenic global warming (AGW) is frustrating. I find it interesting that the Christian right is so willing to deny AGW (and other theories with tons of data like evolution), but quickly believe something that has little hard evidence (supernatural being). Here are some videos that helped put this scandal to rest for me.

Tags: anthropogenic global warming, climategate, global warming

I have another podcast recommendation. It’s more on the scholarly side, but it’s definatly a good resource and is by a popular apologiticist, William Lane Craig. I’ve been going through the Defenders podcasts and have enjoyed the lectures on the cosomolgical, teleological, and moral arguments. I sometimes get annoyed at his tone of voice or how he phrases things which to me sounds condencending and arrogant, but I don’t really know the guy. William does present the arguements well, and he covers them in as much detail as a podcast should allow. He also has a good website with tons of material.

Tags: William Lane Craig

For all you out there who don’t believe in evolution, here is absolute proof of a transition between species.

Just kidding. Evolution doesn’t really work this way

I’ve started listening to the Resonable Doubts podcast, and so far I must say I enjoy it. The audio quality is great, and the 3 guys that put in on are very creative. I have also found it very cool that they are from Grand Rapids (where I lived for 4 years) and they mention the Christian Reformed Church (church I grew up in), Calvin College (went there), and Dutch heritage (I’m mostly Dutch) all of which strike close to home.

A couple things to keep in mind is that it is a podcast, so you can’t hold them to the same rigor as a published book. Podcasts have more freedom and spontaneity, so arguments are not always fully developed, straw men are sometimes presented, and mistakes can happen. But its a podcast. It’s supposed to be entertaining and informative, both of which they do an excellent job. Some of the podcasts are very one sided and come off as a podcast of  angry atheists, but these have been few (as far as I have listened to). I have liked when they have had on the show someone of the faith, where both sides are presented. I also enjoy the more scholarly segments: “God thinks like you” and “Skeptics Sunday School”.  The three fellas that put the podcast on are all professors, so they bring a scholarly eire to the program. But seldom does the podcast get too think in theological discussions. The three amigos keep it entertaining and have kept me tuning in to their podcast.

Tags: Reasonable Doubts

Ran across this interesting article in the Journal of the Royal Society of Medicine. It a nice review article that briefly list the many theories of how Jesus may have died. Some of the different theories of how Jesus died: Cardiac rupture, Heart failure, Hypovolaemic shock, Syncope, Acidosis, Asphyxia, Arrhythmia plus asphyxia, Pulmonary embolism, and Voluntary surrender of life. It illustrates once again the mystery behind Jesus, and how with even modern science we may never have a firm grasp of what happened.