Born a Doubter
Aug 31st, 2009 by Mark Lefers
My mom was going through some of my grandma’s stuff the other day (she passed away last year), and passed along things that she had kept of her grandkids. It is always a good feeling to see the care she took in collecting keep-sakes of her grandkids. From newspaper clippings of sporting events, to photos. One of the things she kept of mine was a poem I had written for a fine-arts festival for school. I had never been (or am) a good writer, so I was surprised I had a poem in the festival. As I read the poem I was taken aback by what I wrote back in 7th grade.
Decision
Don’t know where to go or when,
If I could just go like the wind.
Should I go here or there?
Should I go there or here?
Confusion,
Worry,
Doubting,
If . . .
If . . .
If I could only make up my mind.
Way back in 7th grade I was doubting! I don’t think I was doubting my faith, and I don’t even know if I really even had faith in 7th grade. Sure I called myself a Christian, but at that age how much are one’s beliefs the beliefs of one’s parents. In any event, skepticism seems to have been a part of me from a very early age. So I guess my doubting Christianity was inevitable. Reading this poem again and gazing back in the past, I’ve realized how still similar I am to that awkward skinny 7th grade boy. I’m still in confusion, still worrying, still doubting. If I could only make up my mind.
Taking these two points in time, 7th grade and the present, and drawing a straight line through them, two troubling things come out:
- I will always be a skeptic, and may always doubt Christianity.
- I was born a doubter.
Sobering things to think about.
I’ve been wandering the roads of doubt again for some time now.
Recently Blaise Pascal had a big impact on my thinking. I’m reading his “Pensées” (http://www.gutenberg.org/etext/18269).
He was a bright mind. I’m seeing Christianity in a different light now. I have hope again. Hope in eternal life. What else do I need?
God Bless
Reto,
What good news that you have found a break from your doubts. Thanks for the link to Pensées. Blaise was definitely a smart guy.
That reminds me of a wonderful quotation from Andrew P. Peabody, Christianity and Science (New York: Robert Carter and Brothers, 1874), pp. 250-51:
“There are two kinds of scepticism,—that of the heart and that of the intellect. The former is adapted to make unbelievers; the latter, to make Christians. The fomer will not look at the hands and the side, because it is determined not to be moved morally and spiritually as they would move the honest soul; the latter insists on seeing the wound-marks, because it wants to know the precise truth, and therefore avails itself of whatever evidence God has given. The scepticism of the heart hates the light, and will not come to the light, lest its deeds be reproved. The scepticism of the mind is that which cannot believe without sufficient evidence. It proves all things, and holds fast that which will stand the test. It examines both sides of a question, and adheres to that which imposes the least strain on its belief. Such a mind needs only to have the evidences of Christianity fairly presented, to yield to it entire and cordial faith. Many of the firmest believers, many of the ablest defenders of the truth as it is in Jesus, belong to this class of minds. In this sense, Lardner, Paley, and Butler, whose contributions to the Christian evidences are invaluable, and will be so for generations to come, were pre-eminently sceptics. They would not believe, without examining the hands and the side, trying all the witnesses, testing the objections against Christianity with the opposing arguments, weighing coolly and impartially the evidence, real or pretended, on either side; and the result was a faith in Christ, which sight could hardly have rendered clearer or stronger.
“God has made many such minds, and they are among the noblest and best of his creation.”
I hope that you will come to that settled faith in the course of honest seeking.
Tim,
Thanks for the excellent quote. I highlighted it as a separate post here because I wanted to draw attention to it for others who are in a similar boat as me. Andrew Peabody makes a good distinction between these two types of skepticism and its important to understand what type of skepticism one practices. I too hope that I will someday soon come to that settled faith.