Christian Doubt

I have noticed in my conversation with Christians about my doubt that I, by default, become the “devil’s advocate”.   The Christian enters the conversation as a Christian.  He or she argues their case from a Christian point of view.  For me, out of necessity in trying to work through my doubt, I have to play the devil’s advocate.  There is no one else at the table to defend the atheist point of view.  So I have to defend the other side of the debate.  I play “the atheist”.  However, as of today I don’t consider myself either an atheist or a true Christian.  During these conversations I try to make it a point to explain this situation in order for them to not get the wrong impression.  However, part of me wants them to understand how far I have fallen.  That I’m not just a Christian with fleeting doubt that comes and go.  No, this is doubt that can be described as unbelief.

I wonder though, whether this role I play does me more harm than good.  I end up always looking for the weakness in Christianity.  I try to bolster up the claims from atheism.  I try to win the “debate”.  This becomes a problem since I am no longer coming to the discussion with an unbiased mindset.  I no longer try to weigh both sides fairly.  Like a good actor, I no longer just play the character, but become the character.

This becoming the devil’s advocate not only occurs in conversations with Christians, but is a natural reflex to doubt.  When one starts toward doubting Christianity, one automatically gives the other side a voice in the debate.  I no longer just think from a Christian point of view, but I am bombarded with the “What if’s?”.  My questioning is against Christianity, not atheism.

I have also seen this playing a devil’s advocate in the books I read.  When reading a book, I become enveloped in the author’s argument, and when they do this convincingly and eloquently, it is hard not to “just believe”.  It is so easy to just accept what the author says as fact.  It is much harder to dig into the footnotes, to look up references, to read the other side of a debate.  However, authors on both sides of the debate are often biased, put up straw man arguments, or distort the issues.

I have to remember to:

- be careful when playing the devil’s advocate. 

- research both sides of an issue.  Not just read one book from one perspective.

- weigh both sides fairly.

- be humble in my conversations and research.